Showing posts with label Graffitti. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Graffitti. Show all posts

Graffitti

• My lecture was a complete success, but the audience was a failure
• How can you tell when an economist is lying? His lips are moving
• Peter's Principle: In every organization, each person tends to rise to the level of his incompetence
• People have one thing in common: they are all different
• Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon
• The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows
• In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, however, there is
• Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. [Albert Einstein]
• Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open
• Often it is fatal to live too long

• Doctor is a person who cures your ills by pills and kills you by his bills
• Cheat is a person for whom, when he borrows money, it's not only against his principle to pay interest, but also against his interest to pay the principle
• It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
• Illiterate? Write today for help
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• A secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach
• If at first, you don't succeed, does it depress you that no one is surprised ?
• Let face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility that this could also be the *last* day of the rest of your life
• What does retired mean? Tired yesterday, tired again today

• Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned
• I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work
• Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
• A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge!
• Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!
• If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient
• Some people are wise, and some, otherwise
• I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it
• I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong

• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• When there's a will, I want to be in it
• Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• What if someone died in the living room?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?


• If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
• If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
• How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
• Do vampires get AIDS?
• Do pilots take crash-courses?
• Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
• Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
• Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

• Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power
• Miser is a person who lives poor so that he can die rich
• Marriage is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's
• Diplomat tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip
• Criminal is no different from the rest... except that he got caught
• Why is that Boss is always early when you are late and late when you are early
• How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
• Worry is the darkroom in which 'negatives' are developed
• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you

• Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying
• The best way to avoid a car accident is to travel by bus
• We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history
• There is no right way to do a wrong thing
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat ?
• Never try to drown your troubles... especially if she can swim
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons ?
• Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights !
• Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't
• Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up

• Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job
• Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends
• Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking
• Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time
• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism
• Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent
• Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out
• Adventure is a romantic word for trouble
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue

• Dieting is wishful shrinking
• It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Why are apartments so close together?
• No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening
• Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce
• Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take any chances
• As I said before, I never repeat myself
• I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide

• My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud
• Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind everyunsuccessful man, there are two
• There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you
• Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture
• An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt
• Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children
• We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me
• I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it
• A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth
• I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls

• But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not
• It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look
• Prayer- Don't give God instructions - just report for duty
• Housework is something you do that nobody notices until you don't do it
• They lived happily until they got married
• If we learn from our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education
• just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today
• Always be sincere ……even when you don’t mean it
• The only way to avoid mistakes is to gain by experience. The only way to gain experience …is to make a mistake
• This is where napolean tore his boneapart

• Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it
• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it
• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry
• Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• Despite the cost of living, have you ever noticed how it remains so popular?
• Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em but i'd hate to own one
• In your life you will love someone so much you could eat them, then you will get married and wish you had
• I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
• If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century
• If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time
• A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?
• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why are'nt people from Holland called Holes?
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

• A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them
• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it
• A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one
• One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment
• Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute?
• A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year

• Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months
• A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized
• If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark
• Weather forecast for tonight: dark
• The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy
• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it
• Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive

• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
• My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance
• Politicians and diapers should be changed often, for the same reason!
• The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy
• When dog food is new and better tasting, who tests it ?
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